


My Immortal

by dog2222222222222222



Category: Kingsman (Movies)
Genre: Crack, Everyone is goth, M/M, My Immortal - Freeform, a joke, and I want to die, goth Harry, goth Merlin, kill me
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-27
Updated: 2017-08-28
Packaged: 2018-12-20 08:34:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 2,887
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11917140
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dog2222222222222222/pseuds/dog2222222222222222
Summary: My Immortal but Kingsman.Sorry.





	1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1.

AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik) 2 my gf (ew not in that way) raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling. U rok! Harry ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! KINGZMAN ROX!

Hi my name is Merlin and I have no hair (I'm bald lol) and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Mark Strong (AN: if u don't know who he is get da hell out of here!). I'm not related to Merlin the wizard but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie. I'm a vampire but my teeth are straight and white. I have pale white skin. I'm also a spy, and I go to a tailor shop/spy mansion in England where I'm in the seventh year (I'm seventeen). I'm a gentleman (in case you couldn't tell) and I wear mostly black. I love Kingsman and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing a bespoke suit with matching lace around it and a black waistcoat, a pink tie and Oxfords. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow. I was walking outside Kingsman. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.

"Hey Merlin!" shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. Harry Hart!

"What's up Harry?" I asked.

"Nothing." he said shyly.

But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away.

AN: IS it good? PLZ tell me fangz!


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2.

AN: Fangz 2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da chapta! BTW preps stop flaming ma story ok!

The next day I woke up in my bedroom. It was snowing and raining again. I opened the door of my coffin and drank some blood from a bottle I had. My coffin was black ebony and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends. I got out of my coffin and took of my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on a black leather suit, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on. I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears and did nothing to my hair because I'm bald.

My friend, Roxy (AN: Raven dis is u!) woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes. She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots. We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner.)

"OMFG, I saw you talking to Harry Hart yesterday!" she said excitedly.

"Yeah? So?" I said, blushing.

"Do you like Harry?" she asked as we went out of the common room and into the mess hall.

"No I so fucking don't!" I shouted.

"Yeah right!" she exclaimed. Just then, Harry walked up to me.

"Hi." he said.

"Hi." I replied flirtily.

"Guess what." he said.

"What?" I asked.

"Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in London." he told me.

"Oh. My. Fucking. God!" I screamed. I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR.

"Well…. do you want to go with me?" he asked.

I gasped.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I fucking h8 myself lmao

Chapter 3.

AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK! odderwize fangs 2 da goffik ppl 4 da good reveiws! FANGS AGEN RAVEN! oh yeah, BTW I don't own dis or da lyrics 4 Good Chralotte.

On the night of the concert I put on my black oxfords. Underneath them were ripped red fishnets. Then I put on a black leather bespoke suit.. I put on matching fishnet on my arms. I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists. I read a depressing book while I waited for it to stop bleeding and I listened to some GC. I painted my nails black and put on TONS of black eyeliner. Then I put on some black lipstick. I didn't put on foundation because I was pale anyway. I drank some human blood so I was ready to go to the concert.

I went outside. Harry was waiting there in front of his flying car. He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt (they would play at the show too), baggy black skater pants, black nail polish and a little eyeliner (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!).

"Hi Harry!" I said in a depressed voice.

"Hi Merlin ." he said back. We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz (the license plate said 666) and flew to the place with the concert. On the way we listened excitedly to Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson. We both smoked cigarettes and drugs. When we got there, we both hopped out of the car. We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we listened to Good Charlotte.

"You come in cold, you're covered in blood  
They're all so happy you've arrived  
The doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your mom  
She sets you free into this life." sang Joel (I don't own da lyrics 2 dat song).

"Joel is so fucking hot." I said to Harry, pointing to him as he sung, filling the club with his amazing voice.

Suddenly Harry looked sad.

"What's wrong?" I asked as we moshed to the music. Then I caught on.

"Hey, it's ok I don't like him better than YOU!" I said.

"Really?" asked Harry sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective.

"Really." I said. "Besides I don't even know Joel and he's going out with Hilary fucking Duff. I fucking hate that little bitch." I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face.

The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Harry. After the concert, we drank some beer and asked Benji and Joel for their autographs and photos with them. We got GC concert tees. Harry and I crawled back into the Mercedes-Benz, but Harry didn't go back into the mansion, instead he drove the car into… the tailor shop!


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4.

AN: I sed stup flaming ok merlin's name is MRELIN nut mary su OK! HARRY IS SOO IN LUV wif him dat he is acting defrent! dey nu eechodder b4 ok!

"HARRY!" I shouted. "What the fuck do you think you are doing?"

Harry didn't answer but he stopped the flying car and he walked out of it. I walked out of it too, curiously.

"What the fucking hell?" I asked angrily.

"Merlin?" he asked.

"What?" I snapped.

Harry leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic red eyes (he was wearing color contacts) which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness and then suddenly I didn't feel mad anymore.

And then… suddenly just as I Harry kissed me passionately. Harry climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a mirror. He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my tie. Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time.

"Oh! Oh! Oh! " I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm. We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm. And then….

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!"

It was….Arthur!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> LMAO I CANT STOP  
> Also I added Percival and Lancelot and I am too lazy to change tags

Chapter 5.

AN: STOP flaming! if u flam it menz ur a prep or a posr! Da only reson Athrur swor is coz he had a hedache ok an on tup of dat he wuz mad at dem 4 having sexx! PS im nut updating umtil I get five good revoiws!

Arthur made and Harry and I follow him. He kept shouting at us angrily.

"You ludacris fools!" he shouted.

I started to cry tears of blood down my pallid face. Harry comforted me. When we went back to the mansion Arthur took us to Percival and Lancelot who were both looking very angry.

"They were having sexual intercourse in fitting room 3!" he yelled in a furious voice.

"Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?" asked Lancelot.

"How dare you?" demanded Percival.

And then Harry shrieked. "BECAUSE I LOVE HIM!"

Everyone was quiet. Arthur and Lancelot still looked mad but Percival said. "Fine. Very well. You may go up to your offices."

Harry and I went upstairs while they glared at us.

"Are you okay, Merlin?" Harry asked me gently.

"Yeah I guess." I lied. I went to my office and brushed my teeth and my hair and changed into a low-cut black floor-length dress with red lace all around it and black high heels. When I came out….

Harry was standing in front of the bathroom, and he started to sing 'I just wanna live' by Good Charlotte. I was so flattered, even though he wasn't supposed to be there. We hugged and kissed. After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back into his office.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'you ludacris fools!'
> 
> lmaooooo

Chapter 6.

AN: shjt up prepz ok! PS I wnot update ubtil u give me goood revows!

The next day I woke up in my coffin. I put on a black suit that was all ripped around the end and a matching top with red skulls all over it and high heeled boots that were black. I put on two pairs of skull earrings, and two crosses in my ears. I spray-painted my head with purple.

In the mess hall, I ate some Count Chocula cereal with blood instead of milk, and a glass of red blood. Suddenly someone bumped into me. All the blood spilled over my top.

"Bastard!" I shouted angrily. I regretted saying it when I looked up cause I was looking into the pale white face of a gothic boy with spiky blonde hair with red streaks in it. He was wearing so much eyeliner that I was going down his face and he was wearing black lipstick. He didn't have glasses and now he was wearing red contact lenses just like Harry's. He had a manly stubble on his chin. He had a sexy English accent. He looked exactly like Taron Egerton. He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection.

"I'm so sorry." he said in a shy voice.

"That's all right. What's your name?" I questioned.

"My name's Gary, although most people call me Eggsy these days." he grumbled.

"Why?" I exclaimed.

"Because I love the taste of human blood." he giggled.

"Well, I am a vampire." I confessed.

"Really?" he whimpered.

"Yeah." I roared.

We sat down to talk for a while. Then Harry came up behind me and told me he had a surprise for me so I went away with him.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ...AIDS? 
> 
> why

Chapter 7. Bring me 2 life

AN: wel ok u guyz im only writting dis cuz I got 5 god reviuws. n BTW I wont rite da nxt chapter til I git TIN god vons! STO FLAMING OR ILL REPORT U! MRLIN isn't a Marie Sue ok HE isn't perfect HES A SATANITS! n he has problemz hes depressed 4 godz sake!

Harry and I held our pale white hands with black nail polish as we went upstairs. I was wearing red Satanist sings on my nails in red nail polish (AN: c doez dat sound lik a Maru Sue 2 u?). I waved to Eggsy. Dark misery was in his depressed eyes. I guess he was jealous of me that I was going out with Harry. Anyway, I went upstairs excitedly with Harry. We went into his office and locked the door. Then…

We started frenching passively and we took off each others clothes enthusiastically. He felt me up before I took of my top. Then I took off my black leather suit and he took off his pants. We went on the desk and started making out naked and then he put his boy's thingy in mine and we HAD SEX. (c is dat stupid?)

"Oh Harry, Harry!" I screamed while getting an orgasm when all of a sudden I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on Harry's arm. It was a black heart with an arrow through it. On it in bloody gothic writing were the words… Eggsy!

I was so angry.

"You bastard!" I shouted angrily, jumping off of the desk.

"No! No! But you don't understand!" Harry pleaded. But I knew too much.

"No, you fucking idiot!" I shouted. "You probably have AIDs anyway!"

I put on my clothes all huffily and then stomped out. Harry ran out even though he was naked. He had a really big you-know-what but I was too mad to care. I stomped out and did so until I was in Eggsy's office where he was tailoring a suit with Lancelot and some other people.

"EGGSY, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!" I yelled.


	8. Chapter 8

AN: stop flassing ok! if u do de prep!

Everyone in the class stared at me and then Harry came into the room even though he was naked and started begging me to take him back.

"Merlin, it's not what you think!" Harry screamed sadly.

My friend Roxy smiled at me understatedly. She flipped her long waste-length gothic black hair and opened her crimson eyes like blood that she was wearing contact lenses on. She had pale white skin that she was wearing white makeup on. Roxy was kidnapped when she was born. Her real parents are tailors and one of them is a vampire but Valentine killed her mother and her father committed suicide because he was depressed about it. She still has nightmares about it and she is very haunted and depressed. It also turns out her real last name is Morton. (Since she has converted to Satanism she is in Kingsman now. )

"What is it that you desire, you ridiculous dimwit!" Lancelot demeaned angrily in his cold voice but I ignored him.

"Eggsy, I can't believe you cheated on me with Harry!" I shouted at him.

Everyone gasped.

I don't know why Merlin was so mad at me. I had went out with Eggsy (I'm bi and so is Merlin) for a while but then he broke my heart. He dumped me because he liked Gawain, a stupid preppy fucker. We were just good friends now. He had gone through horrible problems, and now he was gothic. (Haha, like I would hang out with a prep.)

"But I'm not going out with Harry anymore!" said Eggsy.

"Yeah fucking right! Fuck off, you bastard!" I screamed. I ran out of the office and into fitting room 3 where I had lost my virility to Harry and then I started to bust into tears.


	9. Chapter 9

AN: stop flaming ok! I dntn red all da boox! dis is frum da movie ok so itz nut my folt if artur swers! besuizds I SED HE HAD A HEDACHE! and da reson lancelot dosent lik eggsy now is coz hes christian and vampire is a satanist! KINGZMAN ROX!

I was so mad and sad. I couldn't believe Harry for cheating on me. I began to cry against the mirror where I did it with Harry.

Then all of a suddenly, an horrible man with red eyes and everything started flying towards me on a broomstick! He didn't have a nose (basically like Voldemort) and he was wearing all black but it was obvious he wasn't gothic. It was… Valentine!

"No!" I shouted in a scared voice but then Valentine activated the V-day device and I couldn't run away.

"Crookshanks!" I shouted at him. Valentine fell of his broom and started to scream. I felt bad for him even though I'm a sadist so I stopped.

"Merlin ." he yelled. "Thou must kill Eggsy!"

I thought about Eggsy and his sexah eyes and his gothic hair and how his face looks just like Taron Egerton. I remembered that Harry had said I didn't understand, so I thought, what if Harry went out with Eggsy before I went out with him and they broke up?

"No, Valentine!" I shouted back.

Valentine gave me a gun. "No! Please!" I begged.

"Thou must!" he yelled. "If thou does not, then I shall kill thy beloved Harry!"

"How did you know?" I asked in a surprised way.

Valentine got a dude-ur-so-retarded look on his face. "I hath telekinesis." he answered cruelly. "And if you doth not kill Eggsy, then thou know what will happen to Harry!" he shouted. Then he flew away angrily on his broomstick.

I was so scared and mad I didn't know what to do. Suddenly Harry came into the dressing room.

"Harry!" I said. "Hi!"

"Hi." he said back but his face was all sad. He was wearing white foundation and messy eyeliner kind of like a pentagram (geddit) between Joel Madden and Gerard Way.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

"No." he answered.

"I'm sorry I got all mad at you but I thought you cheated on me." I expelled.

"That's okay." he said all depressed and we went back into Kingsman together making out.


End file.
